Female bullies are the worst. Here’s why. Male bullies attack you directly. You know where they’re coming from. So you can either confront them or get out of their way.
Women, on the other hand, can be devious. Once you realize you’re on their hit list, the damage is already done.
Adult female bullies are often found in the workplace. Office bullying has reached epidemic levels. Currently, about 35 percent of American workers have been bullied, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute, an organization that advocates for the targets.
Women Bullying Other Women
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Because female bullying is so widespread, and potentially so devastating, I believe this topic belongs on my natural health site. Adult meanies are bad for you. Working with a nasty, devious person can destroy your health.
Malicious people are bad for you outside of work too. Female bullies are often found in social settings. Unfortunately, they’re often difficult to spot. Keep reading, so I can give you some tips on dealing with them.
Female bullying is a subject that’s near and dear to my heart. I’ve had first-hand experience with a malicious adult female. I’m convinced it’s a huge problem that’s largely unrecognized. It seems to be getting worse. In fact, I’m so concerned that I’ve even written a book called, Are Women Getting Meaner?. I hope it sheds some light on the issue.
Characteristics of Adult Female Bullies
People are slowly waking up to the fact that men haven’t cornered the market on meanness. They only have a slight edge. British researchers have found that 45 percent of workplace aggressors are women.
Female abusers generally operate under the cover of darkness. So it’s extremely difficult to catch them in the act. They use stealth weapons of gossip and innuendo. And they use them effectively.
Women Who Hurt Other Women
Female bullies sow discord. This leaves victims without social support. Once the situation takes root, it’s nearly impossible to undo the damage. If it happens at work, your job is on the line.
An office bully’s main goal is to ruin your life. Driving you into the unemployment line is part of her plan.
That’s why it’s good to learn how female bullies operate. The more you know, the less likely you’ll stumble into one of their traps. I wrote the book you can see below as a means of hopefully arming my readers with protection. (Knowledge is power.)
Traits of a Female Bully
Female-to-female aggression is insidious. The troublemaker may even be your friend. The bully often “befriends” her target. But only to gather intelligence. She’s on the prowl, looking to exploit weaknesses. She may invite you out for a drink. She may get to know your friends and relatives.
Once she gains your trust, you might confide in her. (Big mistake.) She seems sympathetic and eager to listen. People with disordered personalities (healthy folks don’t act this way) have an uncanny aptitude for sizing people up.
Why are Some Women So Mean?
Confusion is often first sign something is wrong. You feel vaguely uncomfortable. But you don’t know why. Co-workers may begin avoiding you. At this point, you’ll start to be excluded from social gatherings. Or, you may not be invited to work-related meetings you normally attend.
People with disordered personalities are good liars. So it’s possible the entire office has heard unsavory things about you. None of them true.
Women Hating Other Women
Female tyrants often recruit people to wage their war. So, from the target’s perspective, the individuals causing obvious distress may not be working alone. It’s possible the main bully is directing the show from behind the scenes.
In the workplace, women pick on other women most of the time, But not exclusively. (This information is from research compiled by the Workplace Bullying Institute.) Men can be targets too. Once this dynamic takes root in an office (or in a social setting), it’s nearly impossible to reverse. Unless, that is, a supervisor catches on and steps in. However, oftentimes, the supervisor is the bully.
You may not know you’re being singled out until things have spiraled downward. When this happens, your only recourse may be to find new employment.
Adult Female Bullying
Complaining to Human Resources is usually of little avail. Bullies are very believable. They present themselves in a good light. Unfortunately, you’ll be seen as unbalanced, especially if you cry or show strong emotions.
Embattled workers who file a grievance are successful less than 4 percent of the time, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI).
Co-workers, except in very rare instances, won’t rush to your defense. They either don’t believe your story. Or they’re rightfully afraid of losing their own job. Eventually, noted the WBI, the majority (nearly 80 percent) of targets are fired or resign.
Dealing With Female Bullies
I can address female bullying from the perspective of personal experience. This is what I used to write my book on the apparently increasing incidence of mean behavior. My own run-in with a covert abuser was among the worst experiences of my life. But I survived and gained a lot of insight in the process. I want to pass along some of the things I now understand about relational aggression.
What are the Characteristics of Female Bullying?
Prevention is the very best way of dealing with an adult female bully. Below are some characteristics of adult female bullies. Watch for some of the red flags, such as instant friendships.
I put this as the number one thing to watch for. Never ignore this one. Healthy people usually don’t have a lot of free time on their hands. They’re busy. They’re engaged and they already have other relationships.
Personality of Adult Bully Woman
People with personality disorders, on the other hand, will clear their schedule. They want to spend all their free time with you. At this point, it’s early in the relationship. So they may put you on a pedestal. (Don’t worry, it won’t last.) Chances are they’ve already burned a lot of other bridges. So they don’t have many other friends.
Anyway, here are some tips on how to protect yourself from adult female bullies.
- Beware of Instant Friendships. This advice applies even more at the office. It’s entirely possible two like minds will meet and quickly become best friends. But that’s rare. Most true friendships develop over time. It just sort of happens. Watch your back when someone comes on too strong. This isn’t normal. Actually, it’s a big red flag.
- Maintain a Professional Distance. Be friendly and pleasant to everyone. But maintain a bit of reserve. You are there to work, not to socialize.
- Don’t Disclose Personal Secrets. Bullying is so prevalent that it can rightly be called an epidemic. Leave personal drama at home. Don’t tell anything you wouldn’t want the entire office to know. Female aggressors look for weaknesses. Don’t make their job easier.
- Don’t Be Too Needy. Walk with your head held high. Your body language should convey the impression you’re not someone to push around. Bullies always need a target. It doesn’t have to be you. If you’re new to the job, don’t be overly eager to join every social gathering. This is employment, not high school.
- Don’t Gossip. Besides the fact it’s wrong, bad-mouthing others can land you in trouble. Bullies love to sling mud. Don’t listen and don’t contribute. Steer clear of backbiters. One way to spot a disordered personality is by their tale telling. Agreeing with anything they say is a big mistake. They may also tell the person they just ripped to shreds that YOU were saying nasty things about him or her.
- Learn About Personality Disorders. Bullies exist in just about every organization. People who abuse others can even be found among teachers and nurses. Spoting aggressive personalities isn’t always easy. But there are some clues. Look for an inflated sense of entitlement. Bullies often have captivating personalities. And they gossip.
Why Do Women Hate Other Women?
I need to stress that I’m not a psychologist or a mental health professional. I learned everything from first-hand experience. Actually, I learned enough to write a book. So I did.
Here’s a link to my book on female malignant narcissists. It’s written from the perspective of a survivor. I don’t pretend to have all the answers as to why some women hate other women. Some of it, apparently, springs from envy. People who mistreat others aren’t happy with themselves. Otherwise, they wouldn’t behave this way.
The way I finally broke free from my perpetrator was through forgiveness. A former “friend” had turned my life upside down. She ruined a number of other relationships. (Adult female bullies undermine you with false rumors and innuendo.)
I forgave this person from the bottom of my heart. It was the only way I could move forward. It’s possible to forgive, even if the person won’t own up to what they did. It’s possible to forgive without receiving an apology. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, I hope the information in this post can help you.
I also wrote a book on How To Forgive A Malicious Person. As you already know, narcissists hate to apologize. Given the prevalence of narcissism, I knew that many people are probably trying hard for forgive, but don’t know where to start. This book is designed to help you forgive, in the absence of a sincere apology.
How To Forgive A Malicious Person
Signs That You are In a Malignant Narcissist Friendship
Much of the first part of this article focused on the workplace. That’s because this is where adults congregate. So it’s a natural hunting ground for female bullies.
However, this same dynamic often plays out away from the office. Really, anywhere two or more women gather. So you may encounter malicious women in a new Mom’s club. You may meet them in a parent/teacher association at your child’s school. Or in a volunteer setting.
Personality Traits of an Adult Bully Woman
Ironically, I met my own adult female bully at church. Even at church, you have to be careful. I’ll go so far as to say church settings require special caution. That’s because morally disordered people flock to church. They like to use religion as a cover.
I do need to stress you’ll also meet lovely people at church too. I still go to church. But I’m much more careful than I used to be.
The same red flags you need to watch for in the regular world apply at church. Even more so. In fact, you may even find a special kind of church bully called a “covert narcissist.” These are the proverbial “wolves in sheep’s clothing.” They’re meek and mild on the outside. But don’t turn your back. Even for a second.
Covert narcissists appear saintly. That’s why they’re so dangerous. They twist otherwise innocent information into something sinister. Then they spread it, being very careful not to come off as “gossipy.” They may ask people to pray for you. Then they drop that little bomb designed to destroy you.
Personality Traits of an Adult Female Bully
It’s sad that we need to be careful around other women. But we do. A documented rise in personality disorders is probably the reason why. One researcher named Dr. Jean Twenge, PhD. has concluded that narcissism is definitely on the rise.
Martha Stout, PhD has also studied anti-social behavior. She believes 1 in 25 people meet the clinical definition of anti-social personality disorder. This group includes high-functioning people who delight in hurting others. Unfortunately, all too many of us have met adult women who behave this way.
Adult female bullies are sneaky and devious. But their methods are remarkably predictable. My best advice (and remember I’m not a psychologist) is to learn all you can how they operate. Read books and visit online forums. (Just be aware that people with personality disorders also haunt these Internet venues.)
Dealing With a Malignant Narcissist
Dealing with the adult female bully in my life was extremely challenging. First, I had to recognize the problem. Female narcissists can be hard to spot. Also, since I met her at church, she was a classic covert. These are the “saintly” types. You’d never suspect they had anything but your best interests at heart.
They operate solely by relational aggression. Their number one goal is to isolate you socially. Then, they go for the kill.
Because they gain your trust, they know your weak spots. That’s where they strike. They do this without tipping anyone off. So everyone but you considers the bully a living saint.
Why am I always bullied at my work place? If its not my bosses then Its a female coworker. How do I put a stop to it?
Hi Taz, I’m sorry this is happening. I wish I had a definitive answer to make it stop, but I don’t. I’m not a mental health professional, just someone who’s experienced the sort of stuff you’ve experienced. My personal opinion is that sometimes people are envious and they act out. There’s not much you can do about that. Some people just seem to have a mean streak, because they’re not happy with themselves. They will pick on someone just because they can. I’ve had to toughen up a lot in recent years. I think it shows because now they stay away from me. But I’m not in the workforce. I work at home, so I’m not dealing with office bullies. One thing I can tell you is to be extremely careful with who you share any personal information, as well as what you share. Bullies are so skillful at extracting information, which they’ll twist in order to portray you in a bad light. If things have gotten to the point where others are rallying around the bully, it’s probably time to look for new employment. I hope this helps. Feel free to check back anytime.
Hi-
Read some Lundy Bancroft. He has studied and worked with male abusers so he writes from that perspective. He is a mental health counselor. He has worked with abusive people for years and years. Much of what he discusses can be applied to both sexes and he does make notes of some of the differences between the sexes. We don’t call bullying for what it is, it’s mental abuse and can lead it physical abuse. I am just finishing “Why Does He do That?” I think combined with the information and books listed in this podcast, you will have some useful information and assistance to help you overcome your bully. It’s good info to if you are raising kids. You might be able to check out Bancroft books from the library and he has a website too. If your area has a college that trains mental health counseling, they will offer low cost or zero cost counseling.
My story started when at a meeting the question came up about overtime. I was the only one that spoke up. I was working the graveyard shift in a hospital . We would get the first case ready. The morning staff would get in the nurses lounge to gossip or eat tacos. When the surgery tech would come for the second case, we would have to get the patient ready. They would not come out. This is how the bullying started. I was harassed , sneered at, gossiped about. I had to switch departments. My best friend became the bully. I always knew she had this trait. To this day I avoid certain places to avoid being confronted.
Hi Yolanda, this is such a sad story, to have a “friend” turn on you like that. But it’s so typical of female bullying. I’ve heard it’s really bad in hospitals too, with a large number of nurses report being bullied by their coworkers. I”m glad you’re able to avoid toxic situations like the one you just described. Thanks so much for reading.
The covert narcissist/ bully in my life was a 20 year + preschool Sunday school teacher and a self proclaimed ” mix between Mary Poppins and Pollyanna”. My mother. In public she was so sweet, kind, and patient. In private, she would punish and bully for ” looking at her funny” , crying, and some days, for nothing.
I was the family scapegoat and would always get the biggest dose of all her children. I learned over the next three and a half decades to confide only in her (friends tended to disappear or become hers), never disagree with her or have differing emotions, and to answer my cell phone a least a dozen times a day. Everyday she would call to “say hi” a lot, guilt trip me, and usually remind me how I wasn’t as sweet or good as her, so I probably wouldn’t ever be as happy. I had seen the consequences of getting in her way through the many domestics between her and my father over the years, through the terrible things she did in her many workplaces (constantly trying to get people fired or report them to the state for made up drama), and “sharpening iron with iron” at church aka bullying people there too.
Two years ago, I finally told her (after she threw a massive tantrum at my house in front of my kids) to be nice to me and to stop showing up to my house/ events just to treat me terribly. I was tired, depressed, chronically ill, trying to support my husband’s law enforcement career, and homeschool autistic babies. I was done with the drama and needed her to stop. She flew in a rage and disappeared for a month. During that month I realized that she had been smear campaigning me for years. Now that she was publicly raging at me, her kid gloves went off. She lied and manipulated until I was getting “flying monkey” letters from the entire family and started being shunned at church. No effort to plea my innocence was heard out. There were meetings within my family in which she claimed I had been doing to her what she had been doing to me. In the end, I had to start over. It’s taken effort to do this, but it’s WORTH IT! My faith is much stronger, I’m now more confident, she isn’t taking my funds/draining my spirit , & my health has done a miraculous turn around. Covert bullies, they’re a real thing! Thank you for writing about them so that more victims out there stop feeling terrible about themselves and trapped in miserable situations!
Note: I miss my relatives terribly and I don’t hate them for throwing me out. Trusting them again is in God’s hands, as they’re currently still out there trying to destroy my reputation.
Sarah, I am so sorry to hear all that you’ve been through. I’m not at all surprised about the church connection either. Some of the meanest people I’ve ever met were from church. This hasn’t stopped me from going to church, or believing in God. I just know I need to be careful at church. I’ve also met some incredibly wonderful people at church too. I guess we should think of it as the sheep and the goats. Thank goodness your own faith is strong. No one will ever love you like God does. God bless you.
My mom is so much like yours. Even to the point of a temper tantrum in front of my son. I told her she would need to get help or we wouldn’t have a relationship. She still denies ever doing it. It’s not my problem though. I hate it for her, but this is the life she’s living. I won’t repeat the past!
Thank you.
Bullying for me has been going on for years. I don’t have many friends at all and the bully has a following.
In my experience the bully does have friends. Where as i have a very select few now ( which is fine, don’t feel safe around everybody anymore..)
And yes, female bully’s are dangerous. It’s hard to see what we as humans do to each other!
Great article.
Xx
Emma, thanks so much for reading and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully you can sort of expand your social circle so you have more options. Female bullies are extremely dangerous, precisely because so many people don’t realize they exist or what they’re capable of.
I agree. Bullies are always more popular and rarely get what they deserve. It’s usually the victims that suffer. I’ve been surrounded by so many narcissistic and pathological people who are always more successful than me because they play the game. I hate games, and I’m stubborn about having integrity much to my detriment. Often times, attractive people get away with bullying because people are superficial. They don’t seem to value intelligence and view real kindness as weakness. It’s a fucked up perpetual junior high we live in.
The information in this article is correct in not showing all of your cards. I’ve learned too late to hold back information about yourself. I was going through some real life tragedies (death, abusive boyfriend, financial struggles, etc.) and all of those ‘weaknesses’ were used against me at a time when I needed support the most. You really can’t trust most people, and it’s rare to find someone with high emotional intelligence.
It’s difficult to trust nowadays for sure. So much narcissism. Thanks so much for reading my blog.
I started a job I was so blessed to have gotten. I sat next to a woman who was very unpleasant. The women’s bathroom was cleaned with cheap bleach. It had the awfullest smell and I hate it going in there. This woman next to me began loudly talking about people’s asses stinking (her words). What she was doing was talking out loud making a joke about it but she was telling our coworkers it was me. It wasn’t true but it was humiliating. She would call me a bitch under her breath. Always making sure I heard but no one else did. It quickly escalated to the point I walked out and had anxiety attack. I never went back. She humiliated me, she tore me down all because I showed up for a job that I deserve to have. They were all in on it. Like a pack of wolfes. I’ll never have another opportunity like that again. What’s bad is after I quit, they talked horribly about me and thought it was funny. I was new, kept my head down but it wasn’t enough. What’s bad is each of those women who joined in on the gossip she was doing it to each of them behind their backs. She is not a good person but I guess tearing me down made her feel somehow superior to me.
It sounds like a classic case of workplace bullying and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. She obviously has some serious issues. Healthy normal and mature people do not behave like that. You can be assured you probably aren’t the first and you probably won’t be the last target. People with character disorders always need an enemy. My theory is that they are so miserable inside they hurt others in an attempt to relieve their own pain. Tearing someone else down gives them a temporary feeling of superiority. I’m so glad you got out of there, because this toxic situation wasn’t going to improve. The others were of weak character. Bystanders have the power to stop this. But they usually don’t.
Thank for take the the time to read and to reply.
Disbelief how these women seem to get away with this horrendous behaviour! It is so difficult to overcome especially when you land a job that you set your heart and soul on. Similar happened when I joined a nursing team in palliative care – never in a million years did I think women, who were caring for the dying, would behave in such a spiteful manner. Unfortunately management were unsupportive and subsequently I left.
It is unbelievable and one of the things that helps them get away with it is the idea that all women are kind and nurturing.
Trying to deal with a female bully at work now, I am now seeing the game being formed but it’s now taken on a safety issue, sabotage of equipment putting me & public at risk. Forward a complaint to boss but not being dealt with, I see what is going to happen and am looking for work elsewhere
It’s a really good idea to brush up your resume and look for work elsewhere. Once the situation turns toxic, it’s a safe bet the bully has been working behind the scenes for some time. I wish you the best. This is a very tough situation. Workplace bullying is an epidemic and the incidence of adult female bullies seems to be under reported and under appreciated.
Hello,
I’d like to stress that I have developed good relationships with women, especially at work, for the past 25 years. I have had a few run ins with both male and female narcissists, but you’re correct when you say with females you don’t see it coming. They cause confusion and discord amongst many.
I’m going through a divorce with the worst narcissistic bully I’ve ever come across. I met her and after I told her that I go to church she jumped all over that and proclaimed herself as a woman of God. I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
For the past 3 years I felt something wrong and I was very confused. I started educating myself on the traits of a narcissist and was floored at the tactics they use. Gas lighting, hoovering, love bombing etc. She had me to the point of suicide. Thank the good Lord I found a window of opportunity to escape. I’ve gone “no contact” for 4 months and she’s still not getting the picture. The problem is I gave in and believed her cries of “change” dozens of times. Her smear campaign is in full effect now and I come to realize that I really don’t care. I know what I went through and suffered all this time. I know I deserve better. I deserve a woman with a kind heart like myself. I’m seeing a psychologist now and he’s educating me on borderline personality disorders. My ex has every trait down to a tee. I do feel bad for people like this, but I’m learning that I don’t have to live with it and definitely can’t except the treatment that comes along with it.
Good luck and God bless anyone whose been a victim of narcissistic abuse. It’s real and it can be devastating.
Hi Joe, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. As you know, female malignant narcissists can be incredibly sneaky and very hard to spot sometimes. They can fool even trained professionals. There are still many good people out there. But I think it’s important that everyone be aware of female malignant narcissists because they can do so much damage, even if it’s only a platonic relationship. They are that dangerous. God bless you too.
I’ve run into male bullies/abusers from time to time in the work environment. But I have run into many females who are absolutely horrible. Drama queens psychos you name it. Having worked in hospitals those are absolutely the worst. I don’t know why people believe nurses are angels. Many are vicious and especially covert. They will talk down to you call people on the phone and you will never know what has been said about you to defend yourself. It’ll come out of left field. Not only in hospitals is this phenomenon happening but in banks, businesses, factories etc. Women are the worst to each other. Feminism is just a joke. It isn’t so much the men putting women down as it is women acting like they never got out of sixth grade! Healthy minded ones get out of that mentality. The unhealthy minded ones stay stuck in their one upsmanship world trying to submarine their perceived competitor. God forbid if you have something they perceive is better or that they want! If you are an independent minded female who cannot stand the catty one-upsmanship games God help you!!! I think our society has played into this nurturing of evil minded females. They’ve turned feminism into “the norm”. And from what I see:. This mentality is breeding evil as being “healthy”.
Covert female malignant narcissists are absolutely dreadful. The problem of nurse bullying is very well documented too. I think the coverts love to appear saintly and helpful. That’s why you’ll find them in nursing, teaching, social work, etc. They gravitate to churches too. That’s why I love to shed light on the problem of adult female bullies, so people know they exist, the games they play and how to (hopefully) spot them. That’s not always easy with the coverts. Thanks so much more reading my blog.
Another thing,
I think that our culture and education setup of “being the best” getting the best college and best career and looking the best doesn’t allow for spiritual growth nor psychological growth in a positive way. It teaches you you only get admiration if you crush your opponent. Women compete differently from men. And our society has also been teaching women over the years to be men or to not need men. “Get that career” and crush everyone in your way to get it. That isn’t healthy for our culture.
It’s really not healthy. There’s nothing more horrifying than the cut throat attitude. The competition has only been upped by all the “get the very best you deserve it” mentality. The rise in narcissism has been documented, and it’s frightening.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has also felt this.
I know female bullying happened years ago. My Gramma would mention things from time to time. However I’ve noticed she had people to be with. To confide in. To yick yack with. I don’t understand why women have become so cutthroat like this is normal and you have to watch you back!!! Something had to have changed. It is NOT normal behavior.
Hi Toni, I know exactly what you mean. My grandmother had some really nice friends, a group of them, and there was none of this. There is just so much cut throat behavior now. It’s crazy, and we need to be really careful with new acquaintances. Even knowing what I know now, I’ve been fooled a couple of times. But not for too long.
I’m yet another survivor of a workplace female bully. I was promoted instead of this woman, and all the troubles began. She enlisted my replacement for my old job as part of her bullying. Two people in a six person office quit speaking to me – shutting me out whenever possible.
I knew enough to leave and found another job that worked out well for me. But it wasn’t long before a friend was in a similar situation as well as my sister. All these situations involved two women bullying together. I’ve experienced other female bullies in my life as well – none as memorable as that work situation.
I worry that the MeToo movement is gaining way too much power in our culture. One of their main tenants is “Believe the Women” but I have a real problem with this idea that women should be believed without question. How many of these women are actually bullies looking to score a victory against men they know? Glad I could come here and share my concern. Thanks for your article!
Hi Trisha, I believe it’s very important to shine a lot of light on the problem of adult female bullies. Targets and everyone else are caught off guard because we expect women to be kind, honest and nurturing. Adult female bullies operate by a different set of rules. If we can get people talking about this problem that takes away a lot of their advantage. They work best when no one suspects what they’re up to. Sorry you’ve had to live through this.
Reading this article and comments has been so helpful to me. I have been the victim of bullying four times now. The last time I picked up on it within months and I am now off sick because I do not and cannot go through it all again. I work as a nurse and these women are so competitive. All want to be super nurses and get glorified and their ego’s boosted at whatever cost to those who genuinely care not only for the patients but also for their colleagues. Each time I have ended up leaving the job I was in and going no contact( the only solution as far as I am concerned). I have had the flying monkeys, smear campaigns, gaslighting and projection tactics pretty much each time. Sadly it is slowly putting nails in the coffin of the job a feel passionate about. My occupational health know and feel it is a management issue, but I won’t be going back until there is a satisfactory resolution. But even then I doubt it will make it any better and I plan to change jobs anyway. These people are pure evil and while I forgive them, it doesn’t mean I have to be friends with them. I just have to try and pity that they are so small minded, needy and low in their own self worth that they have to make someone else feel so bad. It’s not your fault. You can’t cure them because they don’t see that they need curing. I know the reason that I get caught up with them is because I am slowly realising my mum is one too. Only taken me 40 years to realise this, but would explain why my brothers have nothing to do with her. She projected, gaslighted, three monkeys at all of us and still is. She doesn’t realise I now know. Now in a difficult decision on how to continue with this relationship as well. All very tricky.
Hi Florence, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. The problem of nurses bullying one another is well documented and of great concern to hospital administrators. Nursing attracts the best. It also attracts those who want to dominate, as does teaching. Adult female bullying is such a problem. There’s definitely such a meanness today. I agree that it’s best to stay out of that snake pit. Feel free to stay in touch.
Tha worst of the worst was after me hated me i could not figure it out had offended her in some unknown way ?
but that was not the case you are right she look like gold to everybody else when she was inappropriate it was never around people I just was very innocent to someone like her. Well I will tell you what happened and it’s a miracle
I worked with her for a long time she was extremely hateful to me and the students in the school where I worked God began burdening my heart to pray for this woman l DID NOT WANT TO !!! I was a single parent with a daughter with extreme depression at home
was very stressful work was very stressful l felt like it would be hypocritical because I didn’t want to pray
for her she made my life miserable
but through this woman I learned obedience and not to be ruled by my emotions I began to pray for her and quite literally within a month you could watch this woman change to begin with I thought is she on some kind of medication it was such a dramatic change but it was God he even burden my heart for me to buy her a Christmas card not when I gave everyone else but a personal one just to her it was a miracle the crazy thing is within three months she had quit the job went elsewhere and then a year later she came back in the building and she came to my office a totally different person explaining to me what was going on in her world when she worked there outside of work and the stress that she was under and how her life has changed miraculously and she was happy and things were so different for her and I know that was God without a doubt she had no idea l had been praying for her.God does not mess around He is good all the time and we have to be obedient because he does not make mistakes it changed her life and it changed mine.
What a beautiful story. I’ve always thought that maybe our prayers are more powerful when we’re praying for someone who has harmed us. Thank you for sharing.
❤️❤️❤️
One note. I don’t think it is gender related and it might be a new shift but some cover narcist do apologise. Especially when they realize they could be unmasked.
They will but it’s not necessarily sincere. The pattern of abuse is apologize and then continue to abuse. Or they may apologize and then turn it into a litany of your faults. It’s so hard to trust them since they live a life of deceit.
Hell, I had a big response several paragraphs long describing the anguish I’ve had with experiencing bullying in the workplace from females, but I’ll save that rant for anyone who cares to listen. I’m just glad that women are addressing the issue as an area of concern that needs attending. It makes me feel less alone and less scared to be made out the bad guy when I’m hearing from others who have experienced the same pain.
Hi Pedro, sorry for your experience. I think it’s really important to shed light on the fact that adult female bullies exist and that they can be exceptionally dangerous and destructive. They often get a pass because people generally assume all women are kind and nurturing. Plus, female bullies are very sneaky. The attack in a covert rather than an overt manner. Nearly everyone besides their target thinks they are living saints. I hear you. I hope your work situation is much better now.
I feel like I am going crazy or being over reactive. I am a 3rd grade teacher dealing with a clique of teachers who are toxic. They have spread their rumor and innuendo- sometimes even involving students and parents. It was affecting my health in and out of school. I was so miserable but resigned. They probably won but it was a toxic environment.
I’m so sorry this has happened. The problem of teachers who bully students, parents and other teachers doesn’t get enough attention. It sounds as if the atmosphere was so toxic that it wasn’t going to get better. You made the right decision by leaving. I hope you find a job in a much better school.
Thank you for your article. I recently endured bullying at my work that spiraled out of control to the point of nearly losing my job. When I first started, she quickly became my “friend”. She tried to recruit me in hateful activity towards others. When I didn’t join in I became the target. She flat out lied to leadership or spread rumors that were dark twists on truth. She made it her mission to sink me. Even though I transferred to another department, if I need to email her, the return email is cc’d to HR with nasty innuendo. I am just trying to do my job. Before transfered I was having frequent headaches, stomachaches, chest pain and depression from the stress. Thank God I got some distance between us. And yes, we are nurses. I ended up with a pay cut and a damaged reputation. HR says “you are too nice”. Really? Nurses are the worst of all mean girls. How can people who are supposed to be so caring be such back stabbing bullies?
Hi Kirsten, I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. It sounds so typical. Befriend to gather information and then sabotage with a smile. I am so sorry and I’m glad you were able to be transferred. She will ruin her reputation soon enough. All you have to do is wait and move forward.
This is along story, I wasn’t till after my father had passed 5 months ago that I realized that she had been bulling, a narc, whatever you want to call it. For most of my like she would belittle me around my friends or her friends. As I grew older she started saying things like oh you can’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth, she went on to tell her friends that all her children were mistakes except for the youngest. This always happeded around large crowds of her friends while one or more of us where there. Even at the funeral home she was bubbling on about it. While my father was living and up to the point they gave him comfort meds. she was as sweet as she could be to me then when my father had the meds. things changed she provoked me till I left the room and would go to my car and cry. She has now isolated me from most of my family by convincing them that im too emotional, that i only want attention and sympathy. I have stepped back and lost all contact with her. Now I am alone, im also in some deep therapy. Alot more to this story but I wanted to touch base on the most painful ones. I feel so alone now and with my father gone it makes it worse th o have to deal with the loss all anong…
Sherri
Hi Sherri, I’m sorry for your loss and for all that you’ve been through. I hope you’re able to find peace going forward. Thanks for reading my blog.
Excellent article and so on point! And met the bully at church?! Even Jesus probably says “SMH”!! And how beautiful your heart and mind are to forgive! Women need to love themselves and we need more gals like you!
Thanks so much for reading. Yes, church of all places. We shouldn’t let the bullies drive us out but it’s good to know they may exist, even in a religious setting. We need to be careful who we trust, unfortunately.
HI IM BRENDA,I HAVE JUST FINISHED READING EVERYONE’S PAINFUL HISTORY.HOW SAD A WOMAN CAN SPEND HOURS A DAY CONTEMPLATING HOW TO DESTROY ANOTHER WOMAN,A LOVED ONE?WOW,REALLY.VERY HARD TO GET NEXT TO ME.IM ALMOST 60YRS.OLD.I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE ABILITY TO FEEL THE BAD IN SOMEONE.AS IM QUITE SURE MOST OF YOU CAN.IM ON 10YRS OF TRYING TO GET THIS WOMAN OUTTA MY LIFE.PLEASE LADIES LOOK UP.YOU ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM,YOUR ALL VERY STRONG SURVIVOR’S.YOU DON’T SEE NARC. PEOPLE TILL YOUR GOING,’WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON’.THEY FEED OFF HURTING PEOPLE.NO ONE BUT THERE VICTIM BELIEVES THERE AS EVIL AS THEY REALLY ARE.IF YOU GET AN APOLOGY FROM THEM.BEWARE.LADIES HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH AN WALK ON.I FEEL YOUR PAIN.LOOK UP AN TRULY THANK GOD–THAT YOUR NOT THEM.
So true.
Hey, you know these “workplace bullies” also go home and have families! They don’t just magically become bullies at work. They go home and ruin the lives of their children and spouses too.
Which is way worse than what you write about here. Take it from someone who comes from a family of psychopath narcissist females.
No one seems to get it.
I can’t cover every facet of female malignant narcissism in a blog post. I’ve written numerous posts on the topic of narcissism, each one covering a different angle. I’ve also written two books on narcissism. I do get it.
Fantastic article- would have saved me two years of agony and research when I was covertly bullied by my “sister”. Get the word out- words are powerful!!!!! Use them for good!!
Yes, the more people that know about the huge problem of adult female bullies, the more the word will get around, and the less likely they’ll be to covertly abuse others.
OMG!! This sounds exactly like my office. We were friends until she went from part-time to full-time. Our jobs are the same but when she went full-time she thinks she is the boss. We have 2 other women who are our boss. She goes and tells everyone what is happening in our office and lies and lies about me. She has even gone as far as changing my work to make it look like I don’t know my job. I went to my bosses along with our union representative and told them what is going on and basically they slapped her on the wrist and told her not to do this again. She definitely over rates her importance. People look at me like I have done something wrong but it is not me it’s her. I believe that she is jealous of me. I retire in 1 1/2 years and can’t wait to get away from her.
I’d bet a large amount of money that she’s jealous of you and that is why she is acting out. She was probably never a true friend, just a malicious person acting like a friend. Sorry you are going through this and I can imagine that you’re looking forward to retirement.
Ugh TAG you poor thing ! I totally sympathize with your story . The only thing that keeps me afloat is knowing I hope
Others see what’s going on and got my back when the chips fall. Also my husband has a good job and knowing life is more than this shit show job they are trying to run me out of
I teach and had an assistant principal who was a bully. She used all kinds of terms to go about calling me stupid without actually saying it. She attempted to have me fired, but my principal (male) saw no basis for her claims, as my test scores were just as good as anyone else’s. I made sure to tell my team about how I felt about what she was doing so it was very obvious to them when she did it in meetings. She’s now gone! Thank God!
Glad to hear this and happy to know goodness and justice prevailed, in this instance.
I am going through bullying currently since January . I am new to my job (9 mo in). Small office in the medical field. There are 3 MA’s , an RN and a doctor and a fe floating doctors that come in. Small circle is my point. The nurse is a type A personality and that’s with a capital A ! The doctor is also type A but level headed and fine to work with . Our manager isn’t usually here (rarely) rumor has it not someone to go running to. I am a temporary employee not permanent so I don’t feel I have a voice anyways and that’s part of the reason I am bullied. The other part is that the two MA’s are very envious and dysfunctional miserable people and they feed off one another . Both are total narcissistic people , one is passive aggressive and the other straight to your face a total “Caren” that’s the new term out there. The one uses the other to do her dirty work and I feel like I can’t make a mistake around work , I feel like it’s a hostile work environment and very stressed. I discussed it with our previous director who agreed with what I’m saying and basically she said it’s not going to change and to try and find a different dept. it’s not easy since I have to priority and Covid has put a freeze on hiring. I think they hate me because I work hard and they are always on their phones , they see me happy all the time ( even through Covid ) and they are always complaining . I feel they are out to get me and talk about me behind my back and gang up on me , they are very evil and I have to have the mentality to keep my friends close & my enemies closer . I made a huge mistake adding them to my FB 🙁 but I just don’t post anything but positive stuff and animals . I’m documenting everything now they do to me and when I’m good and ready I’ll be making a visit with a union rep need be . I want outta here !
I am so sorry you are going through this but you sound like a strong person. Take good care of yourself.
I live next door to one, and she got involved in our lives through my mother. She has actually attempted to physically assault me, and her daughter, and other family members have done outright things to intimidate me. What they did worked for a while, but after I was forced to recognize this man that was always at her home, I realized that this lady is completely insane, and a bully, and worse…..Her male friend, this guy would always be outside when I go out to sit and smoke a cigarette. He would also stare at me often, everytime he was out, and would make loud noises in her yard to encourage me to look over to her home. So it was so weird. I thought “what is this guy doing?” So it forced me to kind of focus on him, and so I did…and then out of the blue I remembered him from when I worked at Lowes! He was this horrible, evil, rude customer who came into the store ALOT. He was always really rude to me, like he would NOT speak to me at ALL. It was so bad, almost like a bad movie! So here’s this guy trying to get my attention from over at my bully neighbor’s yard…and it was just another way to intimidate me. He started to make creepy faces at me too! I almost think this woman is like maybe she’s into really bad stuff. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t put it past her. I can’t believe the coincidence is just that..since before the guy came around she was really mean, nasty, rude, and her daughter was too. Her daughter looked at me the fist time I met her like she wanted to kill me. Sick. Yeah, don’t ever doubt it, there are really evil, twisted sick mean bullies out there, and a lot of them are female too!
It sounds like you’ve met a couple of these characters. They do try to worm their way into your life. I hope your Mom is free of her now.