Malignant narcissists like to engage in character assassination. Oftentimes, this means taking something that’s true, and then distorting it.
It’s that little bit of truth that makes it believable. This allows them to kill your reputation, because their story is so plausible.
People who normally don’t listen to gossip often believe these lies. Narcissists are charming and persuasive. Their tales are convincing. They also deliver them in a manner that doesn’t sound like backbiting. So, people who’d normally be put off by such behavior don’t even realize it’s happening.
So, why am I writing about this maddening personality disorder on a natural health blog?
How to Recognize a Malignant Narcissist
(This post contains affiliate links, and if you purchase a product I receive a referral fee, at no extra cost to you.)
One reason is that I’ve had personal experience with a covert narcissist. So I know that dealing with a deceitful person is highly stressful.
Stress is very bad for your health. On this site, I discuss natural ways to reduce stress. Sometimes, in order to have emotional peace, you need to look at your relationships. Destructive people deserve less of your time. Or, you may need to sever ties completely.
Also, many people might be dealing with a malicious person, but may not not realize it. It could be a friend, a neighbor or a coworker. Once they recognize the signs, they can take steps to safeguard their physical and mental health.
Female Malignant Narcissists
One more thing. I want to tell the world that female narcissists exist. There are competitive, malicious women out there. They employ horrific, underhanded techniques, designed to destroy their rivals.
Also, in some of my posts about malignant narcissism, I stress the need to forgive the person who hurt you. That’s because staying angry will eventually do you in, one way or another.
However, it’s important to never give this person an opportunity to abuse you again. That’s where discernment comes in.
Knowledge is power. Toward the end of this article, I will list some of the signs of narcissism, so, hopefully, going forward, you’ll be able to recognize these fakers. Their behavior is much like that of a sociopath, a more familiar term.
What I’ve Learned About Malignant Narcissism
Please understand that I’m not a mental health professional. So I don’t have all the answers about this puzzling and prevalent disorder. But I do have some personal insights, which I’m happy to share.
If you talk with people who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you’ll eventually learn a new word. It’s called “narcology.” It pertains to the maddening traits of someone who suffers from this all-too-common character disorder.
Survivors have developed their own lingo about these malicious narcissists, who’ve managed to reach adulthood without developing any empathy.
Narcissism and Bullying
Wherever they go, narcissists cut a wide swatch of destruction. The lie, cheat, embezzle, gossip and refuse to accept responsibility. They always have a target. They’ll go to the ends of the earth to isolate and humiliate this person. They don’t seem to be happy, unless they are making someone else miserable.
If this is your first introduction to narcissism and other antisocial personality disorders, and you’ve been wondering why your life has become so chaotic, there are some excellent resources available. (I just wish I knew about them before my encounter with a narcissist. But, better late than never.) The book Narcissists Exposed clues you in on some of their games.
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Malignant Narcissistic Character Assassination
The narcissist is the one with the problem. He or she is devious and divisive. A workplace or social setting that includes one of these characters will soon turn toxic. (Trust me, this will cause immense stress if you don’t remove yourself from the situation.)
Plus, if you’re the target, you’ll get blamed for it. Here’s why.
The narc will convince everyone else that you’re the one causing trouble. If, somehow, you can just leave, peace will reign and everyone will be happy again. (This is why workplace bullies typically succeed in driving their target out of a job.)
How Does a Narcissist Operate?
Malignant narcissists appear angelic to nearly everyone else. Consequently, most people are fooled. So these bystanders also turn on the target, compounding the anguish.
In many ways, malignant narcissists are amazingly similar. So if you meet one, it’s almost as if you’ve just met them all.
They share common characteristics. They engage in the same antisocial behaviors. These include gaslighting, grooming, favoritism, discarding and narcissistic rage.
Gaslighting is particular sinister. It’s named after a vintage movie called Gaslight, in which a deranged husband tried to drive his wife crazy by moving objects in their house, and then denying what he did. In real life, a narcissist may set up little scenarios designed for confusion. Then, he or she will try to convince you that your perceptions are wrong. Over time, you begin to doubt yourself.
Malignant Narcissism Antisocial Personality Disorder
Remember that term “narcology,” which I used earlier? It isn’t like psychology or sociology. You can’t earn a degree at a university in this particular specialty. But, if you’ve ever been involved with a malignant narcissist, you’ve learned some valuable life lessons that no amount of formal education could ever impart.
(However, there is a medical sub-specialty of the same name, which focuses on drug and alcohol abuse.)
You’ll learn never to judge someone by their outward appearance. Some of the most put-together and successful people could be suffering from this disorder. Only those closest to them would ever have a clue.
In the case of a female narcissist (trust me, they do exist), her children may not have seen her in weeks. She’s jetting around the world, after clawing her way to the top of a Fortune 500 company. Her family knows that something is very wrong, because she’s never around. But they don’t miss her either. She’s miserable to live with. However, no one looking in from the outside would ever guess.
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Covert Malignant Narcissism
Or, you might have met that “saintly” man at your parish. Everyone is sure he’s a saint. He practically lives at church, heading up every committee. However, he seems to have it in for the parish secretary. She cowers when he walks past her. His family members are also well aware of his sarcastic and sadistic streak.
This is someone who fits the description of covert malignant narcissism. It’s my personal feeling these are the most dangerous kind. The “saintly” cover allows them to get away with a lot.
Once you’ve met one or more malignant narcissists, you’ll develop a much deeper appreciation for the normally wired individuals, who care about others and deal with people honestly.
Malignant Narcissists in History
Narcissism is not new, as anyone who’s ever read a the Bible or a history book can discern. An individual capable of giving orders to commit mass murder has something lacking in the empathy department. Many kings and rulers down through the ages were probably malignant narcissists.
Malignant Narcissism and Evil
But there is something about our present age that makes a lot of people wonder if, perhaps, malignant narcissism is a scourge of our times. My own educated (or uneducated) guess is that it’s more prevalent today. But, bear in mind, I don’t have a formal degree in psychology or sociology, just a lot of informal training in narcology.
The disorder was first described by the late German psychologist Eric Fromm. He believed it was “the quintessence of evil.”
Make no mistake. Malicious and manipulative people are dangerous. In his book, Dangerous Personalities, retired FBI agent Joe Navarro arms you with information on how to spot them.
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Malignant Narcissism Syndrome
People who’ve been abused by a malignant narcissist first spend time wallowing in the darkness. Then, eventually, it dawns on them that it’s not their issue. Instead, the perpetrator is the one with the problem.
They begin to understand this is a fundamental character flaw. Psychologists believe malignant narcissism is permanent.
However, I believe in God, and in miracles. So I think know He can change hearts. In the case of a malignant narcissist, it’s going to take this sort of Heavenly intervention, because such a person is very resistant to reforming themselves.
Malignant Narcissism How to Deal
Eventually, with any luck, a narc’s target will stumble across good reading material that describes this disorder. Next he or she has to decide what to do, and how to stop the abuse. Typically, this means distancing yourself from an overgrown bully. For instance, if this person is your boss, and she’s making you miserable, looking for a new job may be the logical next step.
One of the best ways of learning about narcissists is by spending time on various online forums. There are a lot of people who’ve walked the walk. They want to help you maneuver your way out of a bad situation, or, if this isn’t possible, to at least set very firm limits on what you’re willing to accept.
Malignant Narcissistic Friend
Most of my own experience with malignant narcissism comes from a chosen relationship. This was someone I met at church. This “friendship” was destructive, to say the least. Reading the online forums helped me gain clarity. I realized why my life had become so complicated. I immediately cut ties with this person, while continuing to pray for her. (I’m Catholic.) Here is a book I’ve written about my experience.
How To Forgive a Malicious Person
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With my new “degree” in narcology, I then decided to start writing about this disorder. I know so many others are at the receiving end of abuse, from one or more of their “friends.”
Malignant Narcissism Characteristics
Online support allows you to ask questions and gather information anonymously. You can learn about narcissism and bounce your ideas off of others who’ve been there. It’s much safer than discussing it in real life.
That’s because there’s a risk in confiding in anyone who knows the abuser. Narcissists are very good at gathering information. Unless the person you confide in is rock-solid trustworthy, there’s always the chance, no matter how slim, the narcissist will learn about this conversation. The details will be used to further discredit you.
Also, it’s not good to talk about others, even if the bad things they’ve done are true. Going online frees you from having to do that.
However, you do have to be very careful about some of the people you “meet” online. Disordered individuals are known to troll abuse forums.
What about going to a therapist? There’s risk involved in this as well. Although exact figures are impossible to come by, a certain percentage of therapists have their own character disorders. You don’t want to find yourself bearing your soul to another malignant narcissist.
Malignant Narcissism Manipulation
The experts tell us that we shouldn’t attempt to diagnose anyone. However, it’s a good idea to keep your eyes open for red flag behavior. Here are a few of the giveaways typically displayed by highly manipulative people. (Please note this is my non-professional assessment, unfortunately, gleaned from personal experience.)
- A heightened sense of entitlement. This is one of the most common indicators that you’re dealing with someone who gets a kick out of mistreating others. He or she may expect all kinds of favors, but will not reciprocate, or, if asked to, will have a ready excuse.
- Is unable to offer empathy. That’s because people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are deficient in this department.
- Impulsive behavior. Lacking the maturity you’d expect for someone of his or her chronological age, a malignant narcissist may make a series of rash decisions.
- Inability to control anger. Sometimes, especially as you are getting to know a narcissist, you will see this only as lightening-like flashes of rage, quickly followed by a smile. Take this warning sign very seriously.
- Arrogant or haughty behavior. Not all narcissists come across this way. But pay attention when you see this.
- Lying. Compulsive lying and malignant narcissism go hand in hand. How can you tell when a narcissist is lying? Answer: When her lips are moving.
- The Pity Ploy. Morally disordered people can fool even the experts. In her book, The Sociopath Next Door, Dr. Martha Stout, PhD. explained that there is no foolproof way to spot someone with antisocial character traits. However, she notes, they may give us one clue. This is the pity ploy. So, watch out if a new acquaintance tries to play the pity card.
- Stories that Don’t Line Up. If someone’s story doesn’t line up, or if you get a vague sense that something is off, pay attention. For instance, female narcissists make lousy mothers, despite their claims to the contrary. They may spend little time with their children, often dropping them off at a friend’s house, so they can have time to themselves. They rarely reciprocate. Or, they may work so many hours that they rarely see their children.
- An Uneasy Feeling. If you get an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling whenever you’re around a certain person, listen to your intuition.
For Additional Reading
Can Being Angry Make You Sick?
Best Bach Flower Remedy for Anger
How To Spot a Dangerous Treacherous Person
Apparently, there’s no foolproof way of spotting a dangerous and treacherous person at the outset. I wish there was. But, unfortunately, these master deceivers can fool even trained professionals.
However, there are some warning signs you should never ignore. These are often apparent right in the beginning. However, we tend to ignore them because narcissists are so charming. Armed with this new knowledge, I’ve been able to head off a couple of disasters.
Malignant Narcissist Signs
My daughter in law displays all signs and symptoms of a narcisstst. She accused me of being one and my son hates me now. She also accused my husband and mother of the same thing. She told me she had to go no contact because I’m toxic. Since her decision and her mental diagnosis of me, my own health has improved. She fully took advantage of a long illness that I had. Until I said NO to the outlandish request she made. She demanded that my husband and I co-sign a million + loan. When we refused, she suddenly turned on us.
Hi Michal, I am so sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, it sounds so typical, with outrageous demands and then becoming enraged when you can’t meet their “needs.” People with these types of personality disorders like to project their character flaws onto others, and accuse them of the same type of bad behavior they engage in. Please understand I’m not a mental health professional. I’ve just seen this behavior in action a lot. I’m Catholic, so the best advice I can give you is to pray for this situation. I’ll also pray for you today. Good luck and feel free to check back here any time.
Wow! Something needs to be done to get the word out the sort of demonic people. From where I sit…I don’t trust anyone….
Hi Linda, it sounds as if you’ve had an unfortunate run-in with one or more malicious people. There are good people in the world, and I think they outnumber the ones with these types of issues. However, I do like to spread the word that not everyone can be trusted, in hopes that by realizing this, people can be spared some anguish. God bless you.
I am in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist female that I was married to for 22 yrs. Learn from my mistakes. You cannot heal, nor help them and they will hurt you eorse than can imagine.
Bee, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. My best to you and thank you for reading my blog.
For those out there like Bee, how long does it take for you to realize you were married to a narcissistic woman? I believe my son is married to one and he has now turned on us (his parents), his 5 siblings and all his extended family. As his mother, it breaks my heart and I want to help him but unfortunately is maybe something he needs to find out for himself
Thanks for your informative article. My mother in law almost certainly has Histrionic Personality Disorder (basically the same thing) and so I know the signs but I like to hear what other people affected by narcs feel about the subject. The only part of this that I kinda disagree with (and please, i’m Not trying to disrespect, I just don’t want others to get falsely hopeful) – 9 times out of 10, narcissists will not change, unless they have an underlying mental illness that causes narcissistic behavior to manifest). Children and teens are pretty narcissistic, but then they grow out of it. However, once someone hits adulthood, I feel like their personality is there to stay. My MIL is nearly 80, and it’s been noted that malignant narcs get worse with age, not better (yay!). That certainly seems to be the case with her. Anyway, I just don’t want readers to get an idea that the narc will ever take responsibility for their behavior and commit to changing. They probably won’t. It’s up to the victims to change their reactions to the abuse and get away from these people ASAP.
Hi Kate, I do agree with you. People with narcissistic personality disorders are very unlikely to change. I’m just not ruling out a miracle by Divine intervetion, which is what it would probably take. Miracles are very rare. It is up to the rest of us to change our own behavior, and limit as much as possible contact. With a non-family member cutting ties is very easy. It’s much more difficult with an inlaw, as you probably already know. Thanks so much for reading and for your feedback.
Thanks for the response 🙂 It would take Divine Intervention, you’re right.
I’ve been married to a narcissist for 28 years…always the nicest person to others but at home a different story..He always blames everything on me and never admits to his mistakes…he thinks he’s all that and goes out of his way to make me look ignorant in front of his family..always pointing out I’m wrong about whatever we’re talking about..whether I’m right or not..always attempts to undermine my character in front of his family and his children….I feel this makes him feel like a big man by attempting to belittling me..he’s never truthful to me as I’m always catching him in lies even when he doesn’t need to..he never takes responsibility for anything he does wrong and I’m always to blame..my friends don’t believe me when I tell them just how nasty he gets towards me because he’s so nice to them..and they all think I’m crazy…he’s broken some of my pretty things over the years (collectables, Waterford Crystal (gift from my sister before she got sick) around the house and blamed me because it was in his way and I shouldn’t have put it there.. (it was on my bureau)..but in his narcissistic mind, my fault..I’ve given up..
Karen, I will pray for you. This is a tough situation. I can’t give advice on marriage because I’m not qualified. I hope you can find some sort of peace in your home. That’s what I’ll pray for.
Hi. I recently discovered I’ve been married to NARC man for 28 years. It was a good day as now my life (as his wife) made sense! I’ve been able to confide in others who believed me. I’m going to get more professional counseling for myself & in practical matters on how to leave. I’m kicking him out as he has nothing. I needed to find myself again & restore what was taken from me. My source of strength is my belief in God & what I read in the Bible. I must rely on Him. Every. Day. God bless you
God bless you too. Thank you for reading my blog.
I have been with my bf for 4 years and displays all of the qualities of a true narcissist. He isolates me, he treats me very poorly with no respect. He has an excuse for everything and blames everything on me. I caught him twice on dating sites. He never helps me out eith the bills. He never comforts me. The sad the thing is that we have a lease together til october and a truck with both our names. I want to leave so bad but with those two things hanging over me i feel i cant. Im so miserable and he just doesnt care.
Hi Marg, thanks for reaching out. As you know this relationship is going nowhere. It sounds like he is incapable of having an honest relationship with you or with anyone else. You will be much much happier with him out of your life. This will also free you up, so you can find someone who truly deserves you. It sounds like finances are holding you back. A lot of banks and credit unions offer free financial counseling. That might help you set goals so you can have your life back. I’m so sorry to hear this and I know it must be very painful.
Hi “organic palace queen” you sound like you know what type of people are narcs. I ve been going out with one since two years now and I am currently pregnant , (unfortunately). I wanted to terminate but didnt find the courage to do it and I am now 5 months. Hes never home we never do anything, I watch him watch tv when hes home, he forbids me going to work cause of pregnancy but doesnt give me any money at the same time. He has outrageous rage when I do something wrong and I just feel so alone in everything I do, and I am really scared about whats gonna be with a baby…
Please any advice?!
Thankfully you didn’t end the pregnancy. Good for you. The baby will provide you with much consolation. I don’t know if you have other children but if this is your first I can’t even begin to tell you how much you will love the baby, the minute you lay eyes on him or her. It sounds as if you are being held captive at home. I don’t know if he’s got a violent streak, so be very careful if that’s a possibility. Maybe check with a licensed mental health professional or a battered woman’s shelter to help formulate your escape plan. Best of luck to you.
My hubby recently went to the shop 30 mins drive and 3 days later returned, then in the morning left again, our daughter is so confused because she seen the physical scares and how he hurt me then when she finally spoke with him and begged him to come home he said not comeing home because you and mummy are mean to me, and mummy lies to the police about daddy’ she is so confused now and misses him so much. He is now to make things worse he was driving u licenced and crashed is in a serious condition with brocken pelvis, arms, leg, 3 ribs and collar bone. It is horrible situation but I was going non contact now am feeling bad. Any advice
Christina, I wish I had the answer but I don’t. I’m not a mental health professional so I’m definitely not qualified to give marital advice. The only general advice I can give is to take care of yourself and reach out to others who will support you. Good luck.
Hi. I believe my ex is a narc. He has all the signs and symptoms. I have spent 30 years observing him. I wanted to know what it all meant and that it wasn’t my fault. Most everything good in me has been worn down and eliminated. I am the true walking dead. He still stays close still doing damage. I want to know am I permanently like this. Everything that was so viciously trashed is it ever coming back or will I always feel numb and broken. I have lost myself. I am a thin weak shell empty full of pain screaming with no sound coming out. A big black empty trash bag. Completely empty and no one cares. All of my mental open bleeding wounds have scarred over.
He still lives with me. I’m afraid that I will be finished off while he laughs. Please tell me. Help me before i just disappear while he has convinced my mother and our kids that i am the problem. I have no friends. I isolate i am slowly becoming invisible disappearing so slowly no one will notice meanwhile he has everyone convinced to not believe me I’m crazy. My mother believes him. Our kids he has convinced that mommy is the destructive one that and I am the source of their problems. I am being killed buried while I am still alive.he has smeared me so effectively has wiped away there tears and I’m blamed for the chaos. I dont know how to fight it. I dont know how to survive. Please how do I stop this before it’s too late.
Sheila, please know that my heart goes out to you. I wish I had the magic answer but I don’t, and I’m not a mental health professional so I can’t guide you on what to do in such a complex situation. My best suggestion is to somehow find a good therapist who can help you, in a much better way than I can. Best of luck to you.
Dear OPQ.. I hear you..I understand all too well what you are talking about..mmmm..yes..the old adage.. if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger!..first marriage was to an overt narc for 10 years..her way or the high way..eventually I had to take the latter..paid dearly..kids poisoned against me , didn’t get to see them for many years..won’t bore you with the details..suffice to say, profound suffering..I understand how some guys end up sitting on the roof with a rifle..unfortunately, not understanding, as I finally do now, the empath/ narcissist dynamic I found myself married again to a covert religious narc this time…OMG!!..I am in so much indescribable trouble…14 years now..you know the story of the chicken roosted in the pine tree?..the fox goes around and around and around..the chicken watching the fox finally get’s so dizzy and disoriented that it falls off the branch!…I am in such a profound pickle..I don’t wish her any harm, still love her, and the scripture’ we war not against flesh and blood but principalities and powers ‘ is not lost on me..it’s subtle, complex, nuanced, incredibly dangerous and deleterious to well-being..when they play the old’ switcharoo’ sanity can be severely challenged…there are others around me that have seen it..it is not all in my head, although that is what she would have me believe!..I am torn, however, it seems like the only solution is to plan my escape..it is very sad..and it will have to be swift, decisive,and radical, probably to another country, with no warning or way of being found …this ‘thing’ that operates through her for me , is like cryptonite to Superman…there is a disconnect between what is coming out of her mouth and what is happening energetically..it’s got long tentacles..I feel it in my solar plexus..anyway..enough said… I am determined to use this daunting situation to take full responsibility for my life, to strengthen and to leverage my spiritual yearning and practice!..just thought to share a bit of my journey for what it’s worth …maybe vent a little cos it can get a bit funky facing off against this stuff…feel free to pray if you get the urge..much love…(please, it is critical that my email is NOT published) thankyou..on a lighter note thanks for your website..I found you just trying to source a non-toxic way to brew my morning coffee!
Sorry it took so long to respond to this. I have been traveling and just catching up on everything. I hear you on these religious covert narcs. Coverts love religion and you typically find them at church or in volunteer groups. If you believe in God as I do the trick is to not let them destroy your faith. What they do is not of God. I am so sorry you are going through this. Some of us attract narcs like magnets. If it’s any consolation you are not alone in this. Many others are dealing with the same thing. The problem of adult female narcissists is very unappreciated. Take care of yourself.
Great article. Agree with it all as I have been through it all myself with whom I refer to as a pro! My X after 18 years has turned me from outgoing, driven, happy and motivated to a timid, scared, self conscience and insecure shell of a person before I woke up and jumped ship. It took many years to rebuild my personality and life (which will never be really the same as if I never met her) but after losing everything, getting away and now knowing and understanding the personality disorder has given me my life back and a new renewal on life.
Cannot stress enough, get away from them and as far away as possible now. It will be extremely hard to decide when and whether you are making the right decision but if you read any of this and say to yourself ‘oh yeah’ or OMG, then trust me you are on your way down! Jump ship now, you will then swim back to shore and start building your life before you truly learn how close to drowning you were.
I am so sorry you’ve been through this. I hope your life is much better now. Thanks so much for reading my blog.
Are there any online forums you would recommend for someone who wants to talk about discuss narcissistic behavior?
I know there are some groups on Facebook. Do a Facebook search and you will find them. But be extremely careful with sharing personal information because malignant narcissists may lurk in these groups. Reddit probably also has groups for people who’ve suffered narcissistic abuse. Also be careful with personal information.
Everything you’ve described from gaslighting to the malicious narc syndrome rang tuento me. I was not a good husband, I was on drugs and in and out of prison. I would lie about the stupidest things, and eventually I need up cheating. I just have to admit my faults before putting any lable on my wife. However, I had problems with addiction, it truly is a disease. Her behavioral was sadistic. It’s been two years since we split up. I. That time ive become homeless and institutionalized two times. Unfortunately my health has deteriorated, I’m half the man I used to be. Mentally I’m damaged goods. And sadly I still want to be with her. I am homeless, I dig in thrift store dumpsters for clothes and things I need. I find myself looking for familiar items from home…i just want to believe she cares enough to leave something behind for me. She has climbed the financial ladder and I’m now a bum. And being in this situation i meet all the wrong people and I confided in some. I know they haveade contact, and they too play the game. It’s enough to blow my brains out. But I don’t feel suicidal. I just hate my life and wish she could see I am a truthful and dedicated man. I am sorry for my errs. I didn’t destroy her life, with my drug use, but she broke me down and took my soul out of me, and continues to do it. I still live her!