Want to avoid getting mixed up with a malignant narcissist?
Once again.
Then watch for something called “veiled hostility”
I’ve found this to be a reliable clue that I’m not dealing with a straight shooter.
Granted I’m not a mental health professional. But I have some unfortunate experience with malignant narcissism.
Veiled hostility was present.
So what, exactly, is veiled hostility?
It’s thinly disguised contempt.
Usually you see a smiley face. But occasionally the mask slips.
You see brief flashes of anger. Moodiness surfaces. Things start to get confusing.
Then the smiley face returns. So you have no idea this usually “nice” person is plotting against you.
Narcissists and Their Veiled Hostility
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When someone secretly despises you, expect to see smiles and kind words. Flattery too.
Most of the time.
But every now and then this monster shows her true face. In the form of nasty comments and put downs. These seem to come from out of nowhere.
Sometimes you sense this person is angry at you. Even though you haven’t done anything to offend them.
You may also notice sudden moodiness, with no discernible cause.
If there’s someone in your life acting this way, pay attention.
It’s often a huge red flag. Especially if this person is a relatively new acquaintance, and you’re just getting to know them.
I know this from experience.
Experience is the best teacher. Hindsight offers a wonderful perspective.
After being burned by a female malignant narcissist, I decided I wanted no more of them around.
The trouble is, though, they are often difficult to spot.
Especially coverts. Who are adept at hiding their disorder.
But their are clues.
One of them is “veiled hostility. I will never again ignore it. Make excuses for it. Or tell myself I’m imagining it.
A word about “coverts.”
(Covert narcissists initially come across as meek and mild. It makes you think of the cliche, “She was the nicest person you’d ever want to meet.”
During initial encounters, coverts seem too good to be true. Because they are. Inside, they are smoldering with resentment.
If a covert perceives you have an advantage, they’ll launch a full-scale attack to strip you of whatever it is, because they want it for themselves.
Never underestimate a covert. They are highly dangerous. You can read more about covert narcissism here.)
Veiled Hostility Definition
Veiled hostility means someone really doesn’t like you. At all.
But for various reasons, they want to keep this a secret. From you.
A malicious person will use this time to get to know you. To discern your faults and weaknesses. These will later be used to attack you.
Also, they’ll gather information. Any bits of personal data are dangerous. Even if they’re innocent.
Because this information is later disseminated. It will be mixed with vicious lies. But the true information makes the lies believable.
Most of the time you have no idea someone is “befriending” you in order to sabotage you.
People who behave this way typically have done this before. So they’re good at hiding their true motives.
But they can’t always stop hostility from bubbling over.
This is when you see those nasty sideswiping comments. Those insults. Those zingers.
Often They’re followed by a quick retreat and a smile.
Pay attention to this. Something is wrong.
Normal healthy people don’t act this way. They don’t throw out a barbed comment and then act as if nothing happened.
Nor do they pretend they were “just joking.”
True friends are even tempered. You feel totally at ease and comfortable in their company.
There’s none of that constant tension you feel when dealing with a morally disordered person.
Fake friends are moody. Malignant narcissists are moody.
Because they don’t really like you. But it’s something they can’t always disguise.
Of course, there are exceptions to this general rule. But for the most part true friends don’t behave this way. (Everyone does have bad days though. But it’s not a pattern. With narc spotting, learn to look for patterns.)
So watch for veiled hostility. (It’s your friend. Because if you pay attention, it can keep a toxic person out of your life.)
I take veiled hostility seriously. It’s one of my biggest tells that I’m potentially dealing with a disordered personality.
And I don’t want any more narcissists in my life. Ever again.
What Is Veiled Hostility?
I’m happy I now realize veiled hostility is a thing. Because knowing how narcissists operate can help me avoid toxic people going forward.
One mistake a lot of people make is thinking that all dangerous people are male.
Because female narcissists exist. They can do a lot of damage. Just as friends. (I pity the poor men who get involved with them romantically.)
Although a female narcissist may pretend to be on your side, in reality she’s plotting your destruction.
So the sooner you get rid of her, the better. (Hint, look for veiled hostility.)
Oftentimes, you don’t realize what she’s up to until she’s caused a lot of damage, which takes a long time to undo. Typically, this damage can never be totally fixed.
Here’s a personal insight.
Years ago, one thing I didn’t pick up on, with the narc in my life, was the thinly veiled hostility.
She didn’t really like me, and sometimes this emotion would surface.
I also believe I recently sidestepped another malignant narcissist, whom I also met at church. (Covert narcissists love churches and volunteer organizations.)
This time, though, I didn’t get too involved. Both because I didn’t want to pursue the friendship. But also because I think I frightened her. (Narcs seem to know when you’re on to them.)
One of my clues, once again, was the same subtle veiled hostility.
Without my prior run in, I may not have noticed, or realized that this woman probably didn’t really like me. Consequently, I would have probably brushed it off. Or not paid too much attention to her negative undertones.
At the same time, she was telling me how happy she was to have met me.
Narcs love to flatter. At least in the beginning.
But then things change. Veiled hostility gives way to all out war.
Contrast this with normal healthy people. Your true friends. They’re happy to see you. Happy to spend time with you.
These relationships are fun, and without the constant tension you feel when you’re with someone with a personality disorder.
Because what’s missing is the veiled hostility.
Want to Learn More About Malignant Narcissism?
I’ve written two books on malignant narcissism. One is on the under reported problem of female malignant narcissists. Haven’t you noticed that adult women seem to be getting meaner?
Also devious people who betray you are very difficult to forgive. So I wrote another book on How To Forgive A Malicious Person.
Are Women Getting Meaner
How To Forgive A Malicious Person
Veiled Hostility and Passive Aggressive Behavior
I saw personality issues in my oldest daughter early on. She is now 40 and has alienated the entire family by her abuse. I see jealousy, suspicions, spite, defiance and they go way back even childhood. Because of my boundaries, (I don’t enable..I don’t allow her to lie to b the victim just the same as I would anyone else),.. she now slanders me to my grandaughter who is 9 and has been doing so for years. In at a point where I don’t kno how to address my granddaughter with truth at her age..my fear is that my daughter will take her anger out on her. When my grandaughter mentions one of her mothers lies about me, I simply tell her the truth. But she proceeds to ask if her mother lied and I tell her yes she did. I don’t want her to b confused if I say nothing in defense..my daughter refuses to b confronted by me except on the first big lie and she said she felt that “ur granddaughter needs to kno” other than that, she now just acts just like this pic of its except she no longer tries to flatter me because she knows “I kno her”
I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you.
Hi I really loved reading your article. It resonated so much with my own experiences and I like the way your description of veiled hostility was so easy to follow yet very accurate. My sons father is a malignant narcissist Can you direct me to any resources that could be used for 16 year old males ? I would be eternally grateful ?
Thank you so much for reading my blog. Once you know one narc it’s like you know them all.
These people truly are despicable. She thought absolutely nothing when she stole money from us, as if it was her god-given right to dip her filthy hands in our bags. Between three of us (her now ex “supplies”)
the amount was around £500! She betrayed us, & hurt us by gossiping about us behind our backs. Slowly, one by one, we all began to see her for what she is, a compulsive liar, thief, and a user. We have all dropped her from our lives, we’ve deleted her, blocked her and gone no contact for the last two years. She has tried the famous “hoovering”
and not one of us has fallen for it and we never will. We have all become friends. We have NO stress in our lives, we are all peaceful and happy again, and our friendship is GENUINE. She is aware of this, and this is our revenge, we didn’t have to do a thing, just sit back and let her find out, and we can also sit back and smile knowing she’ll never get the chance repeat her nasty, devious tricks. She’s going to end up a bitter, sad and lonely old woman.
Why do they befriend you only to sabotage a destroy you?
This happened to me shortly after this person moved heaven and earth to literally save my life and get me away from a very dangerous situation. The person I was rescued from was someone that had attempted to several times to kill me and destroyed my 12 year friendship with an older lady that had become my “adoptive mom”. The 2020 pandemic cost me my business and home along with leaving me in financial ruins. I was promised a place to live and family that would love me forever. When I cry about losing everything I was reassured it was ok because I gained a real family. Only to end up living over a 1000 miles away from anyone I knew.
This new person immediately became my BFF the day we met. Like it was divine intervention that I had a like minded person that “got me” in this rural new place.
As a few months went by and I continued to share the insanity I was experiencing she finally said your out of there. I know people that will help you.
I finally got my own place and then she was a psychological roller coaster and stole all my money, made me think I was crazy and depleted my remaining self esteem.
I cut it off quickly but now she has befriended my original long game playing narc and together are destroying my reputation in this new town before anyone really knows me.
No resources to move nor anywhere to go.
Back to my original question… why do these deranged people befriend and save us while not really knowing who we are only to sabotage and totally destroy our lives?
Thank you
They befriend you in order to get to know you so they can zero in on your weak spots later when they turn on you. Any information gleaned even if innocent can and will be used against you.